Doubts.. and the Start of Their Dissolve
I admit it; doubts loomed as I packed for the trip and even into the first few days in Brazil. Many people asked me, "What will you be doing in Brazil?" A few times, I tried to explain we'll be playing soccer and ministering to teams and kids around our partner church. However, my confident front weakened with each explanation and I finally began to ashamedly admit; "I don't know what we're doing in Brazil."
My "first-mission-trip" ignorance churned into a frustration of doubt and disbelief, despite the miracles performed to get this group to Brazil. Visas and passports were lost, then prepared within days of departure. Still, I questioned the usefulness, effectiveness, and purpose of our group on the people of NRDJ (pen name for the area we stayed in). What could happen in our two week stay that would make this trip worth it? I can see it for those that speak Portuguese and can directly speak the gospel. Or for returners that know roles they can jump into and how to quickly connect. Or for the Chicago Eagles Residents that have spent months preparing for this trip and have specific responsibilities. And more so, for the Chicago Eagles staff members who are visiting Brazilians they've been in relationship through ministry for years, and some of which they've known for decades. But for me? Is the lukewarm water I'm using to shower, and the food the church is preparing for me to eat, and the cost to air condition the room while I'm sleeping at night worth me being here? How does this translate to sharing the gospel through sport? Where is the ministry in this? The disconnect glared brightly and I prayed for purpose, disbelieving there was one worth the cost.
On Day Two, we had our first Sports Ministry Training (SMT) at the beach. Rick spoke on James 1 and we ended in small groups for reflection and prayer. The following truths stood out to me and began bridging the gap from doubt to belief.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." James 1:5-8
I hear the waves building and crashing behind me. I see the elusiveness of the ocean curls. I smell the salt, and I feel the wind that unpredictably cusps and breaks the ocean water. Is that my faith? I want to see transformation on this trip, but my doubts rage high. Because I can't see how I - or we - could make a valuable impact, I doubt the possibility of one at all. In my prideful way of thinking, I believe change could happen, but it's with an attitude of "prove it." And the Truth hit me - with this kind of faith I shall not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Furthermore, I need wisdom to see and be a part of the transformation I am hoping to see. Who gives wisdom generously without criticism? Our God. But I am relying on my own wisdom and unfaithfully asking him to move. Forgive me, Father.
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4
The testing of my faith produces steadfastness. Hmm.. steadfastness. I'm most familiar with this verse using "perseverance" instead of "steadfastness." Perseverance gives me a sense of pushing forward; grabbing strength and trudging forward with extra power I've conjured. Steadfastness speaks something different. No push, no extra strength, no powerfully positive mindset. Steadfastness paints a picture of a tree planted by a steady stream. The constant current supplies the tree's roots with everything it needs. There is no extra pump or push when circumstances challenge the tree's life. The tree relies on the continual influx of nutrient-rich water to sustain it - in celebration and in struggle. That's the steadfastness I'm called to rely on. Not gaining more strength to push through, but I am called to steadily soak up Truth and rely on God's power. Only in His power will I be lacking in nothing. And through this scripture, the Lord strikes me - the change I hope to see on this trip won't come from me. It cannot come from me. Rather, I'm led to drink steadily from the only true source of transformation - the Word of God.
J, K, and I shared our reflections on the passage and prayed over one another. Conviction by the Holy Spirit came through the Word, and encouragement came through the prayers and affirmations by those sisters. Just like that, the Lord began to answer my purpose prayer. He showed glimpses of using me to serve those within the group, and my heart began to soften. His truth started to dissolve my doubts, and thankfully, this was only the beginning.
My "first-mission-trip" ignorance churned into a frustration of doubt and disbelief, despite the miracles performed to get this group to Brazil. Visas and passports were lost, then prepared within days of departure. Still, I questioned the usefulness, effectiveness, and purpose of our group on the people of NRDJ (pen name for the area we stayed in). What could happen in our two week stay that would make this trip worth it? I can see it for those that speak Portuguese and can directly speak the gospel. Or for returners that know roles they can jump into and how to quickly connect. Or for the Chicago Eagles Residents that have spent months preparing for this trip and have specific responsibilities. And more so, for the Chicago Eagles staff members who are visiting Brazilians they've been in relationship through ministry for years, and some of which they've known for decades. But for me? Is the lukewarm water I'm using to shower, and the food the church is preparing for me to eat, and the cost to air condition the room while I'm sleeping at night worth me being here? How does this translate to sharing the gospel through sport? Where is the ministry in this? The disconnect glared brightly and I prayed for purpose, disbelieving there was one worth the cost.
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| Day 1: Our light training session on the Brazilian beach. |
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"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." James 1:5-8
I hear the waves building and crashing behind me. I see the elusiveness of the ocean curls. I smell the salt, and I feel the wind that unpredictably cusps and breaks the ocean water. Is that my faith? I want to see transformation on this trip, but my doubts rage high. Because I can't see how I - or we - could make a valuable impact, I doubt the possibility of one at all. In my prideful way of thinking, I believe change could happen, but it's with an attitude of "prove it." And the Truth hit me - with this kind of faith I shall not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Furthermore, I need wisdom to see and be a part of the transformation I am hoping to see. Who gives wisdom generously without criticism? Our God. But I am relying on my own wisdom and unfaithfully asking him to move. Forgive me, Father.
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